My Life In Skyrim

My life in Skyrim (so far) Day: 05 

I need to stop shouting “Come Lydia.” as we quest through the towns. I realised today that I could confusingly be mistaken for shouting “Chlamydia”. This would explain why the townsfolk avoid us.

Speaking of Lydia, I nearly lost her today to a troll. It had been tracking us for miles and we didn’t even realise. After prodding a distant Frost Spider with Nordic arrows I happened to turn around to see why Lydia was being so useless. It was at this point I found her repeatedly being struck in the head by the troll and his oversized hands. Lydia seems to be weakening and I fear that she may not have long left to live. It doesn’t help that she seems to have a natural inability to avoid traps and I frequently find her oblivious to the fact that she’s engulfed in flames. Who will carry my plundered goods? I do remember meeting an Elven lady in Whiterun who seemed interested in accompanying me on my travels. I recall taking a quick glance at her thighs as we spoke. She seemed well built. I imagine she’ll be able to carry a lot of weight.

Continuing my life in the Stealy Club I was urged to go North into Solitude and find some dude who’s a bit of a big mouth. I’ve been to Solitude before and don’t really care much for the people there. They all seemed a little metropolitan and self-righteous.

So, instead I decided to wander miles in the opposite direction. Its down here that I’ve bumped into Captain Valmir and his cute little tent. He’s some imperial dick. I had no interest in him until he mentioned a magical helmet. He wants me to help him steal it. Sure, I’ll help him steal it. Then, I’ll stab him in that back and take it for myself.. mwah-hahahaha..

my life in Skyrim (so far) Entry: 04

“What’s that officer? Stealing? Me? No, no.. You must be thinking of somebody else.” *wink wink - Slip him some gold*

Yup, life continues in the thieves guild. I’m not keen on the term ‘Thieves Guild’ So, I refer to us as the ‘stealy club’. It emits a friendlier persona for the townsfolk (who we steal from).

My heart grows fond for Lydia. She keeps her mouth shut and does as she’s told. Even when we’re setting fire to farms, stealing from the owners and on occasions slaughtering them. Which, by the way, is what we did today. Its tough to find that trait in a lady. 

Due to my natural talent for theft and extortion I have found myself in discussions with a very wealthy individual named Maven. She thinks a lot of herself and has a habit of talking down to me, as well as others. I’ll do her dirty little deeds for now. But, the moment her back is turned I’ll be stealing her boots. I’m building quite the collection.

Having left one of my patronising discussions with Mavin I wandered to the nearest bar. I needed a drink. Its here that I happened upon a gentleman named Sam. A charming fellow with what can only be described as an alcohol problem. Naturally I’m not one to shy away from a challenge. Especially one involving dangerous levels of blood poisoning. So, when Sam suggested a drinking contest, I was in! Things were going pretty for me. Well, right up until the moment I regained consciousness and focus. I have found myself in an unknown temple being shouted at by some kind of priestess. Apparently Sam had ditched me after we entered the premises a little too intoxicated and promptly smashed the place to pieces. Dazed and confused I offered my assistance to help clean up the mess we had created. After throwing loaves of bread at bookshelves and various other priests I decided to bribe the priestess with some gold (181 pieces) and suggested that they cleaned up the mess themselves. Cleaning is for bitches, right? Where’s Lydia? She could have just saved me some gold. Anyway, the priestess seemed pleased with my arrogance and told me that Sam (the bastard) was in Rorikstead. Sheepishly I left the temple and glanced at my map only to find that I am now about a billion miles away from home, or anywhere else I recognise. Luckily Lydia has found me. She was outside waiting for me. Thank the gods for that. She’s got shit to carry.

So lost, cold and in the dark, we continue our journey. Me, a lowly thief wandering in unknown lands, trying to find out what happened last night and looking for a dude I don’t really know; who might, or might not, be able to explain things to me. And Lydia, my mule.

Oh great.. A dragon.. Lydia, walk in front of me!

my Life in Skyrim (so far) Entry: 03

Why is everybody so hostile here? Most of the inhabitants either want to kill me, or want me to kill somebody else. Don’t get me wrong. If you’re paying, I’m slaying. But, surely theres more to life than this?

I’ve also realised that the true star of Skyrim is the courier. He managed to get a message to me, on foot, from the other side of the country. This alone is no mean feat. But, he managed to deliver a letter about the armour I was wearing merely minutes after I  had bought it! He ran the entire country in minutes. Being a dragonborn is nothing compared to this dude.

 Oh, and I’ve decided to join the thieves guild. As the Artful Dodger said “You’ve got to pick a pocket, or two.”. I decided to leave Lydia at the Ragged Flagon bar in the Ratway. She doesn’t need to see me like this. As far as she’s concerned the sun shines out of my arse. If she does find out though, I’m not too bothered. That bitch as been carrying my stolen shields, and jewellery for the past few miles and didn’t even realise. She snitches on me and I’m taking her down with me. 

It all started when I met a mysterious man and promptly joined him in petty crime. Things rapidly escalated from there. I visited the thieves in their bar, the previously mentioned Ragged Flagon, and kinda felt sorry for the robbing shits. They’re in a bad way. They live in the sewers and claim to be broke. So, I have adorned myself with the thieves outfit and wear my hood with pride. I feel special now, like I’m finally a part of something. I used to be a ‘noble’ knight roaming the lands in my shiny armour and helping the townsfolk. It was simple work, but I always felt like I was going nowhere. I needed some focus in my life and it just so happens that thievery is in my blood. That what Brynjolf tells me. So, dagger in hand I continue my, much darker (and meaningful?), life in Skyrim..

My Life in Skyrim (so far) Entry: 02

I tend to travel light. I only carry what I use and Lydia is my luggage donkey until we hit the shops. 

“Hey Lydia, You’re an amazing girl and I’ll totally marry you one day, yeah? Anyway, I just pillaged a pile of shields and battle-axes from those dicks in the cave. Be a sweetheart and carry them for me, would you?”

So, I pretty much carry a couple of axes and a bow. I wear the equivalent of a fridge on my body and have pockets full of gold. 

I like the idea of alchemy. But, there isn’t a chance in hell I’m wandering the land with petals, fingers and eyeballs in my pockets. People will think I’m weird.

I was also going to be a mighty, evil, wizard. But, found that I don’t really need to. I gave Lydia a staff of fiery-fire. So, whenever we encounter enemies, I just need to bring them to Lydias attention, Then stand back and light my cigarette off of the huge ball of flame that bursts from Lydias pointy stick. Obviously I jump in at the end for easy kills and claim the victory. I don’t want Lydia getting above herself and thinking that she’s the heroine. She’s got shields to carry.

My life in Skyrim (so far) Entry: 01

I’m a lizard called ‘Prisoner’ (because I accidentally quit the name change bit). 

I’ve been attacked by an Ork (I just wanted to say hello), So I beat him to death and stole his shoes. 

An old man invited me into his house, but got pissed off when I ate the cherries in the bowl. (I’m pretty sure he had offered me them)

I’m now looking at his wives boobs. But, I’m pretending that I’m looking at the roaring open fire. His wife does seem awfully young for a man of his age. I’m wondering if she’s in to lizards.

I found a wolf and kicked it in the throat.. Winner.

I have wandered aimlessly.. well, i say aimlessly… I actually had things to do, but forgot about them when I got lured into the neighbouring mountain range.

I found some caves. I didn’t stand a chance at level 7. Ran.

Stood toe-to-toe with a dragon, swinging wildly with my axes. It fell at my feet.. bitch.

Oh.. Frost Trolls.. Avoid..

Fell in love with an NPC. But, due to prior circumstances, had to stab her in the back. Found 100 gold in her pocket. Made the whole ‘better to have loved and lost..” feeling a little less upsetting.

Just finished work.. I’m off to put another 12 hours in before work tomorrow..